Sunday, February 05, 2006

Only 3 more days to February the 8th. It's to be Jasper's 16th birthday. I really miss him; he was my best friend, but I guess I'll never know. I still remember all the times we had together since primary school, good and bad. I'll always remember them.

It's been about 4 months now since Jasper's anniversary. His death came as an absolute shock to me; in fact the impact never really hit me till the day of his funeral, when I finally realised fully that he would never come back again.

You know, I was probably the last of his friends to talk to him before he passed on. We all knew that someday he would leave us, but the both of us talked about his illness as if it were simply a problem which could be overcame. That day, I received an sms from him, saying that he was having breathing difficulties and that he was going to hospital. I only received it later in the afternoon. I panicked and called his handphone, only to have his sister pick up, telling me that he wasn't able to pick up the phone. Later on, he called me and we had a very short talk, him telling me that he'd had difficulty breathing and was now is hospital, saying that it was a nimothorax problem, going on to explain to me that it was probably the same thing that Wei Kang had a problem with. Of course I was relieved that he seemed okay, and I will always remember his voice.

The next morning during recess in school, Chee Qiong came over to me, telling me that Jasper had passed on. I couldn't accept it at the time, I wasn't sad. Somewhere in my heart I held on to the belief that it was just a rumour, that it wasn't true. Not my best friend. I went over to the table where Wei Kang was, telling him about it, hoping that anyone who heard me would reassure me by saying it wasn't true. But it was, and I wouldn't accept it.

For the next few days, I suppressed my grief, never thinking about him, pushing him to the back of my mind, until the day of his funeral, where I sat alone and could take no more. I broke down and cried. I tried not to let anyone see me. My grief was personal.

A few months on, I've been visiting Jasper's old blog, rereading a couple of times his very last post. Of his pain, of his happy times, and found, to my surprise that his other friends have been tagging to each other all the while. Today I finally left him a tag. Maybe he'll read it.

Today is February the 5th. Happy birthday, Jasper. I'll always remember and miss you.