Am so going to flunk A Maths. Unless there's a moderation of 30+ marks, of course, which is about as likely as seeing a pig fly in Antarctica on February 31st.


失败乃成功之母。

Or, failure is the stepping stone to success. My whole life, in my entire sixteen years of existence, I have never really applied this. When it came to Maths, whenever I failed, that was it. Sometimes I would tell myself, "I need to work harder from now on", but it never happened, partly because it was never ingrained in me to study hard, partly because my determination would waver, partly because there was no real need for any other subjects except Maths. Even this time around, I finished studying each subject only the day before the exam, starting only a couple of days before that. I'm not like everyone else, I can't bring myself to pore over volumes of ten-year series or practice stacks of past exam papers. I have never done that, and never really needed to.

Now when I look back, I realise that the reason why my determination wavered was because I wouldn't commit myself to working hard. I didn't put it down in black and white, never engraved the words in stone. I'm a person whom nobody understands; a contradictory character. Those who proclaim to understand me don't. How can they when even I don't understand myself fully? I know who I am, but sometimes even I am puzzled by the shades of grey I exhibit. Most of the time people only see a veneer. A facade I created because....well I don't know. Circumstances dictated it. And when people see this veneer sometimes they don't like it, but how can I tell them that it's not who I really am? Sometimes, there are sporadic emergences of my real self, but not all the time.

If your impression of me is that I am loud and shallow-minded, then you are wrong. That is the side of me that surfaced in the environment I am in, a need to blend in. No, I am not like that. I know more than you think. I know it if you do not like me - I can see it in your eyes. I read people like a book. Take for example my form teacher. Those looks of condescension she gives some of her students. She feels guilt for it, and sometimes makes the effort to be nicer, but it happens all the same. Others don't see it. I do.

Funny, isn't it? How a post on my flunking the math paper came to this? People are such strange creatures, and I am stranger still. Some people think that I am a confident young man, and yes one side of me is. But the other side is a shy, diffident character that when appears, makes people think I am cold and not sociable. What, do you think I like standing in a corner at some party, feeling alone? I am a person of conflicting character. I hate being alone, but at the same time my social circle does not coincide with one whose personality is extroverted. Thus, my loyalty is unwavering to my small circle of friends, and when theirs isn't to me, I feel betrayed. Funny, isn't it?

One of the people that came closest to breaking through the veneer was Jasper. He was my best friend, maybe I wasn't his, I'll never know. Nonetheless, I knew our friendship was one that could have lasted a lifetime. It was just one of those bonds that are strong enough to carry you through life. I will never know because Jasper passed away on this very day, the twentieth of September last year. Rest in peace, my friend.

They say that youth is wasted on the young. People always look back and think, "Oh, if only I'd done that in the past, life would be so much better". You know what I think? I say, let youth be wasted on the young. It is the time to make mistakes, to be free, to screw up. It's totally fine as long as you learn from your wrongs. But see, the problem with me was I never learned. And I've realised that I can no longer afford to be insouciant about my life. I need to steer my own course for myself and the ones who care about me.


"Real revolution begins at learning. If you're not angry, you're not paying attention"

- Tim McGrath from the band Rise Against